Apathy
Made Easy
Having trouble
rationalizing your passive-aggressive tendencies toward the War
in Iraq? Fear not my friend! I’ve compiled a handy-dandy
list of reasons not to protest the war – even though you
utterly hate it – that will bring piece of mind while still
allowing you to rant and rave ‘til your big ol’ heart’s
content!
1. You
have to maintain your MySpace site. That’s right…
Updating your profile, uploading recent pictures, changing your
song, writing a new blog, redesigning your page and background,
relisting your favorite bands, movies, books, and influences –
all of this can be extremely time consuming. It’s important
to network your entire existence while simultaneously showing
off your lengthy list of friends so that people can get to know
the REAL you. Because, goddamn it, this is a movie and you’re
the star. I mean, this is life and YOU are in it.
2. Dancing with the Stars has really captured
your imagination. Who knew that George Hamilton was a better dancer
than actor? Or that Jerry Rice was a “dream” on the
dance floor? Hell, even speed skaters can surprise the American
public with their tango and cha-cha skills. Are they dancing or
acting? Who cares?! Tune in next week to see who stumbles, who
tumbles, and who dances WITH the stars!
3. Getting drunk at the bar twice a week and listening
to shitty cover bands is important. As you know, Traverse
City is a hotbed for up-and-coming bands – at least, according
to the Northern Express – and by-gum it’s your duty
to go out, buy overpriced domestic beers and “get your freak
on” while listening to “Mustang Sally” or “Brown-Eyed
Girl.” So what if the band never tours outside the tri-county
area, records any albums of note, or actually experiments with
something other than blues-based rock? They’re not big fish
in a small pond, they’re bottom feeders in a large mud puddle
– but hey, even bottom feeders need groupies, and that’s
where you come in. So drink up those pitchers and let out your
rebel yell!
4. What would people think if you actually acted on your
opinion? What do people expect these days, an action
based upon an idea or belief!? Geesh! You’re not going to
rock that boat. I mean, why would you? You don’t need people
saying stuff about you behind your back. Being passive-aggressive
isn’t a bad thing. In fact, it’s the best of both
worlds – you get to vent about an issue or person, and by
not walking the walk you save yourself from potentially awkward
situations. Why do people always underestimate inaction? Silence
is golden, and gold is really pretty; so stay gold my friends.
5. Multiple, daily cell phone conversations about pointless
bullshit take too much of your energy. Being able to
speak with anyone anywhere at anytime has really made life friggin’
sweet. Granted, it requires some time from your day (pretty much
every second you’re not working, sleeping, or eating) and
sometimes gets in the way of real person to person conversation.
And sometimes your cell sings like a sweet, sweet Siren, calling
to you, needing you, wanting you. “Come to me,” it
croons. “See if you missed a call. Go on, text ‘U
R 2 cute’ to John.” You’re Gollum and your cell
phone is your “precious,” sucking away at your soul.
But you wouldn’t have it any other way because that little
box with wires fills your veins with instant gratification. And
who needs anything else?
6. You already vented on a bunch of blogs and chat rooms
about how war sucks – what else could you possibly do?!
Cyberspace certainly has opened up some doors in your life –
allowing you to let loose those little demons in your brain. Operating
under codename Steelglory23, you enjoy the subtle double entendre
because your writing steals glory and comes down upon fellow bloggers
like hard steel. You get a tiny euphoric feeling in your chest
as you type away, laying down the law regarding WMD’s, Haliburton,
right-wing fanaticism, and the evils of Dick Cheney. For a brief
moment you’re alive and aligned with the universe, comfortable
knowing your words might be read by 12 people. And those 12 people
will know how smart you are, and that’s pretty cool. Yeah.
7. Your life’s plotline doesn’t include self-sacrifice
for beliefs bigger than yourself. You’re an idealist.
You want the world to live in harmony, you want Sunnis and Shiites
to get along, you want American troops out of Iraq so they can
stop dying, you want Iraqi civilians to live in a country of peace,
you want the U.S. to stop being a war monger, you want to climb
a mountain and yell: “Can’t we all just get along!?”
Yet, under your breath you mumble: “Do I have to get involved
personally?” Thing is, you’ve got a lot going on and
the last thing you need is to get involved with some half-brained
notions of peace, love, and understanding. For God’s sake,
that could really disrupt your summer vacation plans! “Thanks
but no thanks,” you say. “My calendar is too full
of parties, events, and personal fulfillment to be sacrificing
any of my time.”
8. Only “hippies” protest, and you don’t
want to give people the wrong idea. You’re no left-wing
nut job, much less a damned socialist. It smells like patchouli
whenever you come across a protest, and that’s enough to
turn your head the other way. Sit-ins: hippie self-righteous lovefests.
Letters to U.S. Senators: fruitless beatnik literature laced with
tofu residue. Protest marches: tie-dyed, sandal slappin’
parades of long-hairs chanting “love thy neighbor”
slogans with the hope of starting polygamy farms. So, “No,”
you say, “I refuse to get involved with that riff-raff.”
You don’t like the war any more than they do, but that’s
why you bought a bumper sticker.
9. You won’t make a difference. Seriously, what
can one semi-informed voice actually hope to accomplish?
First of all, the numbers – locally – just aren’t
there. Whenever you see a peace gathering you’re amazed
there are not MORE people. You know a majority of Americans hate
the war, including yourself. But when you happen upon antiwar
protests, the number of protesters doesn’t come close to
representing the perceived majority. There’s no way activism
will make a difference toward ending the war in Iraq. You’re
just sure glad you had this talk with yourself.
10. Life’s hard enough – why put time into
something that won’t deliver instant results? Protesting
the war won’t make you money unless you’re a popular
political analyst who just wrote a scathing book. You don’t
mean to seem shallow, but, damn it, time is money and life’s
too hard to be wasting earnin’ potential on antiwar activism.
You don’t need the added pressure, dare I say burden, of
feeling obligated to lend your voice and emotional energy to something
that won’t give you any substantial returns. Even though
you feel passionately about ending the war, you have to be hard-hearted
when it comes to sacrificing any part of yourself to just causes.
Not participating wasn’t an easy decision, but it was necessary
to avoid changing your lifestyle.
If, heaven forbid,
these excuses aren’t cutting it, here are a few resources
that will get you started:
-www.traversepeacealerts.com
-www.antiwar.com/peaceactions.html
-www.robert-fisk.com/links_antiwar_websites.htm
M.
Decker – founder of Kerplunk
zine and Unremarkable Epiphanies comic zine - compiled
a list of other things worth fighting for: dirt roads, chocolate
chip cookies, hyena like laughs, beer that makes you want to join
the dark side, a woman’s perfect pouted lips, funked out
70's African music, chickadees in rain puddles, vintage jalopy
bicycles, honey bees, and the sound of a five-year-old singing
a Beatles song.
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